Just What Do You Think You're Doing?

Since our family is very much at the beginning of the foster parenting process, I think it's only fair that I explain who we are and what this blog will look like. There are some limitations to what and how I can post, and it's usually better to make the ground rules pretty clear up front to avoid any confusion in the future. With that in mind, here's a bit about the blog, our family, and our plan to foster:

This Blog

The name Batya's Sister was taken from Jewish tradition, which says that after rescuing Moses from his basket in the Nile/death by crocodile and/or soldier, the daughter of Pharaoh converted to Judaism and took the name Bithia (or Batya, in Modern Hebrew) which means "daughter of God." Clearly this is more folk tale than history, but it is a lovely name and a fitting tribute to an early foster mother. Like Batya, our family has relatives that don't fully support our decision to foster; and while we may not be risking our lives by taking in children, I fully expect the process of fostering to be a transformative experience. 

I don't know how frequently I'll be updating Batya's Sister. This depends partly on how frequently we will have a child in care, and partly on how busy that child keeps us. Ideally, I will try to post at least once a week, but if we go a month or two without a foster child, you may see a bit of a lapse. When I post, I will be using initials or pseudonyms for our family and our foster children. I have a legal obligation to protect the confidentiality of the children we are caring for, as well as some specific privacy obligations that my husband and I have through our professional careers. We take all of these very seriously, and so it becomes prudent (if perhaps a bit overcautious) to adopt pseudonyms. Those readers who know us IRL will recognize that this is a fairly superficial gesture- at least when it comes to our family. But for strangers reading, and for our future foster children, it's a simple thing that helps keep everyone safe.

That being said, allow me to introduce you to...

The Family

My (Hebrew) name is Chava. I'm a Crisis Interventionist who works with extremely high-risk kids in my community. I'm a Graduate student working on my Masters in Social Work and have spent the bulk of my career working with trauma survivors. When I'm not working or studying, my hobbies include reading, checking out the local arts scene with friends, and (as they would tell you) "tikkun olaming the hell out of the world." I love learning about religion, debating politics and watching Doctor Who. I'm obsessed with reality TV that showcases people with amazing skills (Project Runway, Top Chef) and am fairly well convinced that Wonder Woman is my Patronus. 

My husband Rob has been in the military for over 20 years. Like myself, he's a full time student. He's working on a Masters in Counseling with an eye on working with veterans after graduation. He's in a good position to help, considering that he's been to 4 war zones in the past decade (including Iraq, twice) and is a Gold Star family member. Out of uniform, he's an active member of our local Masonic Lodge and enjoys tending to his aquarium. The guy's been through hell and is a stronger person for having survived it. 

Speaking of survivors: meet Pom, our son. What's with the crazy name? I used to keep a blog called The Copper Pomegranate. About a year after I started, Pom was diagnosed with End-Stage Renal Failure. Some of my fellow bloggers wanted to share Pom's story with their readers, but didn't feel comfortable sharing a child's name on the Internet. (Good call, fellow bloggers!) One of them nicknamed my boy "Little Pom" as a riff on my blog title. Little Pom, or LP as he came to be known, has grown up a bit; but I'm still not a big fan of putting his identity online. Kids in the age of social media are growing up without any expectation of privacy, but I decided that at the very least his health info should be protected. Not-So-Little Pom is in a great place health-wise <knock on wood> and is a Boy Scout, a competitive ballroom dancer and an avid video gamer. He's very enthusiastic about becoming a foster brother, because he's begged us for years to adopt another child and says he can't wait to "have a protege." We'll see how that works out for him. ;-)

Last but not least, we have the Dancing Queen. DQ is my stepdaughter (Rob's daughter) and while she doesn't live at home anymore, she's a big part of our family and may pop up in a post from time to time. She's gorgeous, smart, hard-working and kind. It's almost sickening. :-) We all love her a lot and can't wait to see just how far she goes in this world. 

The Plan

As I mentioned earlier, we have relatives who don't support our plan to foster. MOST of them do. My parents support us completely and 99.99% of our extended friends and family are on board as well. Our licensing worker was really impressed by how many support people we had who were willing to be background checked in order to babysit for us someday. For some reason though, my in laws have been vocal opponents of the notion. I don't really understand why, since the only objection they've voiced to us has been a vague concern about having "a lot on our plate already."

So what makes us think we're capable of fostering? Well...

Rob and I have a pretty unique set of skills that make us ideally suited to help children (and their families!) in foster care: I'm a social worker, a trauma specialist, a mediator and a victim advocate. Rob's also a mediator and a victim advocate, plus a trauma assessor and crisis manager. I'm a social worker. He's studying to be a therapist. We've already brought one child through a life-threatening, medical emergency and have kept him alive through consistent chronic care ever since. We've sent the other kid off to college (where she's kicking butt) and are honors students ourselves. None of these things make us *better* than anyone else. But all together, they prove we can do it, because we ARE doing it every day...and I'm a big believer in "those who can help, should."

That said, no one can do everything, and everyone has a limitation to their abilities. Potential foster families are given a form to complete that says what kinds of traits they are willing to accept in the children they foster. I've seen first-hand what can happen when a foster family takes on more than they're equipped to manage.  Rather than set ourselves and our future foster children up for failure, these are the groups/demographics we told the agency that we felt we could successfully care for:

• Ages birth to 10
• Any race, any gender
• Up to 2 children at a time, as long as they're siblings
• Emotional impairments, trauma histories or sexual abuse survivors
• Medical conditions, especially renal, urological or transplant patients
• Mental health concerns (depending upon the diagnosis)

And these are the groups/demographics that we knew we would be less successful in fostering:

• Older teens
• Cognitive Impairments or Developmental Delays
• Physical or Sexual Aggressors
• Firestarters
• Autistic children
• Specific medical conditions that would be risky for Pom

It's hard to say no to any child, especially when you have a personality like mine. In filling out our form ("Would you take a traumatized child? Check yes or no.") I had to keep the various failed placements I've seen over the course of my career in the forefront of my mind. When a foster family takes on a child they're ill-equipped to assist, they create a situation that is likely to fail. These kids have been through so much already that you're doing them a disservice to take on more than you're really ready to manage. Sure, It feels cold and somewhat cruel to turn in that form without checking every box, but knowing your own limits ensures that each child who enters your care has the best chance possible for a stable, consistent placement.