The Long Silences Between

Yesterday was our second home visit from the licensing worker. She's a pleasant woman, if a bit quieter than I tend to be, and she brought with her an extensive list of questions she needed to ask us: 

"Tell me about your mother."

"Why did you quit that job you had in high school?"

"Were you spanked as a child?"

"What are your personal goals?"

"Why did your parents divorce?"

"Have you ever used drugs?"

And so many more. 

This process was only slightly less invasive than Freudian psychoanalysis...or maybe a colonoscopy. And it's not over yet. She needs to come back again to complete the process of interviewing Rob. Then she needs to talk to Pom. And then, only then, will she be ready to write her report dissecting our lives and making her recommendation about our fitness to foster. At some point during this interview, I realized that I have not yet explained to you, dear reader, the steps we have gone though so far to become licensed foster parents. It's not easy. Well, okay, the quiz is. :-)

Step One is attending an initial Orientation meeting. Here, over a "treat" of bottled water and bags of chips, they show us a video about foster parenting, another video about safe sleep, and review The Green Book. The Green Book (not the official title) is the booklet published by our state, containing all the rules and regulations that foster parents are obliged to follow. It's basically the bible of foster parenting. There was a time of open questions, and then we received the first set of forms that we would fill out. These were fairly basic. Who we are, where we live, our basic vital details, and the type of child(ren) that we were willing to foster. This took about two hours to complete.

Step Two is By Invitation Only. The agency staff had reviewed our paperwork from Step One and called the families they wished to invite back for Orientation 2. Honestly, there wasn't much difference between Step One and Step Two. We watched ANOTHER video about foster parenting, asked more questions, and completed more paperwork. This was a bit more extensive. We had to provide a list of names (at least two, preferably more) of people who would be our backup support team. These friends, family and neighbors would have to sign a contract agreeing to follow the The Green Book, not only for our foster children, but for their own as well. At the end of this session, we were given our pre-determined appointments for the mandatory fingerprinting and background checks. Another bottle of water and some chips later, and we were out the door. 

Step Three is the Background Check. Rob and I had to report to a mostly-vacant building in an industrial park on the shady side of town. Upon entering, we found our way to a single office, occupied by a harried woman seated behind a cheap desk. We took turns going in. When it was my turn, she scanned my drivers license, then carefully placed each of my fingers onto an LED scanner. This device allowed them not only to be notified of any crimes I may have committed in the past, but also to be alerted in the future, should I give in to my yetzer hara and begin a life of crime. After subjecting ourselves to this biometric tagging, we were done for a while. 

Step Four, the Home Visit, took some time. After the fingerprinting, the agency has 30-ish days to schedule a visit from our New Studies Worker. So I will call this in-between time, Step Three(b). During this fallow time, I went into a sort of pseudo-nesting mode. We emptied our dining room (or really, the spare bedroom we'd used as a dining room) of furniture and moved Pom into the space. Then, I went to work with a friend, decorating the walls of his old room with a variety of jungle animal themed wall decals. We purchased a twin bed with accompanying trundle, and a mini-crib. The crib was assembled and placed in our master bedroom. The twin & trundle were made up with polka-dotted sheets and cuddly fleece blankets. The whole process feels very strange. How do you prepare for a child whose age and gender (to say nothing of preferences) are unknown to you? At one point in the decoration process, my friend looked at me and said "with your luck, you'll get the one kid afraid of zoo animals."

Step Four FINALLY arrived about 7 weeks after our first Orientation. The homeworker came and reviewed The Green Book with us again. This time, we signed forms agreeing to obey The Green Book. We also gave her our required paperwork. So. Much. Paperwork. 

- Copies of Drivers Licenses and Passports, birth certificates and marriage licenses. Divorce decrees. 

- Utility bills, home owners insurance, auto policies and vehicle registration. 

- Signed agreements of support from the various backup people we identified in Step One. 

- Vaccination records for Pom and our cats, school report cards, IEP's.

- Physical and Mental health forms we had to have our doctors complete.

And certainly more that I'm forgetting at the moment. She took all of these papers (well over an inch thick) and then broke out her measuring laser. She needed to take accurate measures of each room, to ensure that we not only had enough space for any foster children, but also for ourselves. She checked our smoke and carbon monoxide detectors. She checked our basement for egress windows. If we didn't have them (we don't) then our basement becomes off-limits for anything but storage and laundry. This is true not just for our foster kids, but for ourselves as well. This appointment took about two hours. At this time, we were given the code that would allow us to access the PRIDE training online. After scheduling a second visit, we were done until, well, yesterday.

Step Five was PRIDE training. I'm not sure exactly how long this took, because (to be quite honest) time seemed to drag to a near-stop while watching these videos. They were painfully dull- most were simply an agency staff member, reading to the camera from a training book. I think that there was at least 8-12 hours of these videos. At the end, we each had to take a 17 question quiz. This was ridiculously easy. To be honest, if you couldn't pass this quiz without watching the PRIDE videos, I wouldn't trust you with your own child, must less a foster. Then came more waiting.

Step Six, the Home Visit interview I described above, happened yesterday. It lasted about two hours and she only got through her questions for me. She has to come back again for Rob and Pom. 

Step Seven, the Third Home visit, is scheduled for two weeks from now, or about three months after our first Orientation session. At this meeting, we'll give her more paperwork, and answer more questions. After this, we'll be nearly done. If by "done" you mean "done with the process of being licensed and ready to start the actual process of fostering a child." Hopefully by October, she will have completed her report, which then goes to a committee that reviews all the assembled pieces of our lives: the paperwork and interview questions, the background checks and building measures. And only then will we find out if we'll be granted a foster license. 

I'm not complaining. The process of being trusted with someone else's child...a child who may have already endured horrific violations of trust at the hands of those who should not be trusted with children...SHOULD be arduous and time consuming. Having seen the process from this side (rather than my usual vantage point as an after the fact service provider) has given me a deeper appreciation for the people I know who have gone through it before me. 

So that's the scoop. If you've ever wondered what it takes to be a foster parent- not the personality traits, but the actual concrete process, I think you have a good idea now. If I missed a step, or if you have any questions, feel free to post them in the comments below and I'll do my best to answer. :-)

Crazy, Stupid, Love (A very long post)

Yesterday, an acquaintance of mine told me that she thought I was "crazy" for wanting to be a foster parent.  She is someone I've talked to frequently and, until her comment, someone that I had assumed was supportive of fostering in general and our plans to foster specifically. Her remark, said with a smile and a laugh, took me aback. Let me be clear: she is a sweet woman, who is kind, smart and insightful. Her rationale (that we are already raising a healthy, well-adjusted child in Pom and shouldn't risk messing that up) was her own and she's entitled to it. It just got me thinking...I wonder how many other friends and family members aren't so much "supportive" of our plans as they are "silent" about their reservations?

Just What Do You Think You're Doing?

Since our family is very much at the beginning of the foster parenting process, I think it's only fair that I explain who we are and what this blog will look like. There are some limitations to what and how I can post, and it's usually better to make the ground rules pretty clear up front to avoid any confusion in the future. With that in mind, here's a bit about the blog, our family, and our plan to foster:

Begin at the Beginning

Of all the questions I've gotten since deciding to become a foster parent, the most common is simply this:

"Why" is a tricky question, since answering it would involve a near-dissertation length lecture on my religious values, my politics, my parenting perspective and my professional life. And while I'm sure that I'll touch on each of these over the course of this blog, I've decided that the easiest way to start is not with WHY but with HOW.